Doing Something is Better Than Nothing, Right?

Well, yes and...no. It depends on what that 'something/nothing' is.

Don’t just do something, lie there.

Being with grief, whether you’re the one grieving or you’re the one who cares for someone who’s grieving, is so hard sometimes. If you’re the one grieving, It’s difficult to know what you may need or want when you’re in the throes of pain and loss. If you’re the one concerned about a person who’s grieving, it can be challenging to know how might you best support someone.

Is it better to do something rather than nothing?

Well, yes and no.

Before I offer any more thoughts around this sensitive topic of ‘doing something’, I need to disclose I have a very different relationship now to the word ‘better’ than I did four years ago. I don’t like it. At all. There’s a reason for this that I’ll share in a subsequent post most likely titled ‘THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING’ (and yes, it might be in all caps for emphasis), but for now I’ll just say that the word ‘better’, when it comes to inquiring about another’s grief, is not only not helpful, it’s not kind.

What is kind is giving yourself a lot of grace when it comes to being with your grief. What is kind is giving another’s grief the kind of space, attention, and grace it needs.

Lying on a sandy beach or on the living room floor is not nothing. I’ve done a lot of lying around on both of those surfaces the past few years. And while my mind tried to convince me I should be doing something different (which I often did- that’s another forthcoming post - all the kind and not-so-kind things I did to be with and not be with my grief), my body simply wanted to rest. It was also in the nothingness when my soul seemed to show up most and offered something in the depths of my grief that steadied me and provided solace. It was just three simple words, “I am here.”

Just saying, “I am here” to someone is one of the kindest and most loving gestures a person could make to another. Casseroles and cards are thoughtful. However, listening to and learning about someone’s grief (in my opinion and experience) is truly what those who are grieving need most. To be heard and seen, to be held in a space of generosity and non-judgment, to feel safe with no agenda present other than to be with whatever arises in conversation or in silence…these are priceless gifts one can offer another in any life circumstance.

Just offering your presence, your time, your caring…it’s enough. Communication, compassion, and companionship are not nothing. They are everything. So yes, do something that comes from the depths of you that might touch the depths of another. To make an offering of love and not be attached to an outcome takes practice. I say to myself and to you, practice often. Lie or sit or stand in the space of doing nothing with someone and you will most likely discover, just being together is something so beautiful and healing…for both of you.

If you or someone you know are in need of support for your grief, I am here.