What Grief Reveals

Wings aren't earned, scars are.

Photo by Solarixx

Do you see her wings or do you see her scar? I hope you see both.

Many words are said about a woman who’s about to be married
or about to give birth.
We honor her beauty.
We praise her pregnancy.
We see her as a wife and a mother.

Many words are said about a woman who’s been wronged
or who’s been changed by unfortunate circumstances.
We defend her honor.
We praise her courage.
We see her as a victim and a survivor.

Many words are said about a woman who speaks her mind
or who stays silent.
We honor her truths.
We praise her self-discipline.
We see her as a champion and a saint.

Many words are said about a woman who transforms
or who tries to rise again.
We honor who she’s been.
We praise who she might become.
Perhaps we don’t really see her at all.

Grief is messy and complicated and writing about it can be so hard at times because it can feel as though you’re reliving the sadness and loss all over again. Sharing grief with others can also be hard because we usually conceal the stories that involve the messier parts of our lives rather than reveal them. In a culture that honors strength and praises resiliency, moving on from grief (or any other emotion that’s not particularly pleasant) is what we’re told to do and are sold on.

Moving on might work for some people, but learning to move and be with my grief (while not needing it to have a nice and tidy ending as a goal) has been both the means and the medicine for my own healing. In my opinion, healing never ends.

Healing is an ongoing, ever-evolving daily practice.

Part of my practice is letting go. A few years back, letting go was NOT something I wanted to do. I had had no idea just how attached I had become to the woman I was, the man I was married to, the friends I associated with, and the life I was living, as well as the one I was moving towards (literally, moving to a new country). These days, letting go of judgments, expectations, wishes, and outcomes has been more challenging than letting go of other things I’ve had strong attachments to; personal belongings, relationships, bad habits, and beautiful islands to name just a few.

Part of my practice is trusting myself to know what’s helpful and what’s not. Writing, yes. Drinking, no. Being curious and generous, yes. Being close-minded and fearful, no. Creating a new story with stronger wings, yes. Forgetting the story that created my scars, no.

I am my wings and I am my scars.

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Grief, like love, reveals the truth of things. Our wings have always been right where we’ve needed them to be - right behind us and always available when we’re ready to fly.

And what of our scars?

Perhaps they become just as available and beautiful as (if not more so than) our wings not only because we’ve earned them, but because we’ve chosen to share rather than conceal them. When we give others the opportunity to see ALL of who we are, we don’t need to hide our grief or our love or anything really. We can fly free knowing our scars and our wings are attached to each other not just through our backs, but through our hearts.

“O” by Coldplay

Many wings to be inspired by in this video…